2008 Woodie Awards
NEW BRIEFS
A roundup of strange and appalling news items from around the globe.
STAFF
Issue date: 4/19/07 Section: News/Features
- Page 1 of 1
Park Service doesn't do shit...
The highest throne in the United States has been unseated. As part of a new policy, the National Park Service removed the open-air toilet atop Mount Whitney in California. Tourists may no longer enjoy the view from the privy that once stood 14,494 feet above sea level because Park Service officials think it is a pain to make weekly helicopter trips up the mountain just to collect 250 pounds of waste. Instead, the Park Service now distributes WagBags, portable and disposable toilet bags, so each hiker can be personally responsible for his or her own refuse. Bean burritos will most likely no longer be a hiker's dietary staple.
POR FAVOR, PONGA LA CROWBAR EN LA BOLSA
A man from Seattle, Wash., is on the run after having smashed a self-checkout kiosk at a Home Depot with a crowbar. The man was attempting to buy the crowbar, and became frustrated when the kiosk would not stop giving him instructions in Spanish. Theories that this man was actually Lou Dobbs are completely unsubstantiated.
Goat sacrifice could help ailing U.S. airlines
In Kathmandu, Nepal, problems with one of the state-run airline's two Boeing 747s were fixed by the sacrifice of two goats in front of the plane last Sunday. The sacrifice was made to appease the Hindu sky god, Akash Bhairab. Early reports indicate that the sacrifice was remarkably successful and all problems with the airliner have disappeared. While it is unclear whether animal sacrifice would actually appease any gods or speed flight delays in America, it is thought that ritual sacrifices might relieve some cabin pressure by allowing passengers to let off steam while they wait for takeoff. Since goats are not easily found near many U.S. airports, however, harried airline passengers frustrated with chronic delays on domestic flights have volunteered to perform sacrifices of crying babies and flight attendants.
Bush enlightens us with more facts
After a "fact-finding" mission in Iraq to evaluate the troop surge last weekend, Bush reportedly responded to questions from Australia's Deputy Prime Minister Mark Vaile about the visit with the assessment that we are "kicking ass." And yes, that was the extent of his evaluation. It is expected that General David H. Petraeus will endorse Bush's analysis during his report to Congress later this month. Prominent Iraqis also agree that we have kicked their collective ass, although feelings about this are mixed, to say the least.
The highest throne in the United States has been unseated. As part of a new policy, the National Park Service removed the open-air toilet atop Mount Whitney in California. Tourists may no longer enjoy the view from the privy that once stood 14,494 feet above sea level because Park Service officials think it is a pain to make weekly helicopter trips up the mountain just to collect 250 pounds of waste. Instead, the Park Service now distributes WagBags, portable and disposable toilet bags, so each hiker can be personally responsible for his or her own refuse. Bean burritos will most likely no longer be a hiker's dietary staple.
POR FAVOR, PONGA LA CROWBAR EN LA BOLSA
A man from Seattle, Wash., is on the run after having smashed a self-checkout kiosk at a Home Depot with a crowbar. The man was attempting to buy the crowbar, and became frustrated when the kiosk would not stop giving him instructions in Spanish. Theories that this man was actually Lou Dobbs are completely unsubstantiated.
Goat sacrifice could help ailing U.S. airlines
In Kathmandu, Nepal, problems with one of the state-run airline's two Boeing 747s were fixed by the sacrifice of two goats in front of the plane last Sunday. The sacrifice was made to appease the Hindu sky god, Akash Bhairab. Early reports indicate that the sacrifice was remarkably successful and all problems with the airliner have disappeared. While it is unclear whether animal sacrifice would actually appease any gods or speed flight delays in America, it is thought that ritual sacrifices might relieve some cabin pressure by allowing passengers to let off steam while they wait for takeoff. Since goats are not easily found near many U.S. airports, however, harried airline passengers frustrated with chronic delays on domestic flights have volunteered to perform sacrifices of crying babies and flight attendants.
Bush enlightens us with more facts
After a "fact-finding" mission in Iraq to evaluate the troop surge last weekend, Bush reportedly responded to questions from Australia's Deputy Prime Minister Mark Vaile about the visit with the assessment that we are "kicking ass." And yes, that was the extent of his evaluation. It is expected that General David H. Petraeus will endorse Bush's analysis during his report to Congress later this month. Prominent Iraqis also agree that we have kicked their collective ass, although feelings about this are mixed, to say the least.
Be the first to comment on this story